Pink Moan

May 8th, 2008 by Gnat

A few days ago I received the very sad news that an old friend, whom I hadn’t seen since high school, passed away. She was inexplicably stricken with colon cancer two years ago, and succumbed this last December. While Elisabeth (or simply “Liz” when I knew her) and I drifted apart after our freshman year of high school, we were quite close from about the ages of fourteen to fifteen. I met her just after moving from west Texas to a suburb of Houston, Spring. In Spring Liz lived right around the corner from me. We shared some great times, getting into trouble more than once together.

These were exciting times for me, times of experimentation with hair, make-up, clothes, boys, identity and personal freedom. Liz was all a part of that. She was the first person who showed me how to use eyeliner and eyeshadow. Always a fan of the giant can of aerosol Aquanet, Liz used to say her hairdo consisted of “99% hairspray, 1% hair.” She had the most original style, fitting somewhere between Ducky from Pretty in Pink and an extra from a late-’80s hair metal rock video. Whimsical might be the word to best describe Liz’s personality and style. Make that whimsical squared.

Liz’s mum was British and her father Asian, Chinese I think. She could pull off a killer British accent, which I think we employed in several prank calls. She often donned hats of various styles and was as animated as a cartoon character. I remember Liz loved carrying and playing with my baby cousin Brittany, and Britt loved her back. Liz seemed to have boundless energy and a passion for being as unique as possible.

During our senior year of high school Liz was in a terrible car accident which resulted in her having emergency brain surgery. I never learned many details of the accident, or don’t remember them now. I know she was with her boyfriend and alcohol may have been a factor. I remember seeing Liz at our prom afterparty, a glittery sort of top hat strategically covering the huge, headband-like scar across the top of her skull. She didn’t seem to miss a beat.

Why do things like this happen, a woman in her early thirties being taken down by colon cancer? My friend Amy, the gal who broke the news about Liz to me, says this experience has wiped away any smear of religion/spirituality (in her case, Judaism) that she may have had left in her. Maybe someday I’ll tell her about what I’ve read regarding Chaos and Chaos Magic. Though not really comforting, Chaos Magic theories of creation/destruction resonate strongly with me. It’s the closest explanation of how and why the universe works the way it does that I can embrace at this point in my life. Here are a few excerpts from Peter Carroll’s Liber Null and Psychonaut regarding Chaos:

• Space, time, mass, and energy originate from Chaos, have their being
  in Chaos, and through the agency of the aether are moved by Chaos in
  the multiple forms of existence.
• The force which initiates and moves the universe [Chaos],
  and the force which lies at the center of consciousness [Kia],
  is whimsical and arbitrary, creating and destroying for no
  purpose beyond amusing Itself. There is nothing spiritual or
  moralistic about Chaos or Kia. We live in a universe where
  nothing is true, although some information may be useful for
  relative purposes.
• If it makes us feel any better we can call this Chaos, the Tao, or
  God, and imagine it to be benevolent and human-hearted. There are
  two schools of thought in magic. One considers the formative agent
  of the universe to be random and chaotic, and the other considers
  that it is a force of spiritual consciousness. As they have only
  themselves on which to base their speculations, they are basically
  saying that their own natures are either random and chaotic or
  spiritually conscious.
• However we choose to see it, the ultimate ground of being is utterly
  void to our understanding, impersonal and inhuman, whimsical and
  capricious and far too infinite and incomprehensible to be much use
  as a god to limited dualistic beings like ourselves.

So this is what I have to go on right now. Like I said, it’s not too comforting. But truth is often the opposite of all that is shiny and comfortable. Or like my grandmother sometimes says, “the truth don’t hurt unless it ought to.” Indeed.

Liz, you were an important part of my life during some damned formative teenage years. You left this world much too soon, but your unique spirit won’t soon be forgotten.

(Chaos star symbol)